


Up That Hill We Climb

by OnyourRadar



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: And nothing is really helping him calm the f down, Arguments, Canon-compliant ish, Extra Drama, First time I'll ever write canon compliant, For effects, Hurt/Comfort, I don't do canon peeps, Lucas POV of Season 6, Lucas is like very stressed, Lucas second guesses a lot of shit, M/M, Relationship issue, Talk about addiction, angsty, you know me by now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:02:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24888070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnyourRadar/pseuds/OnyourRadar
Summary: He hears the shuffling of feet and a teary goodbye, a quiet whispered "tell Lucas thank you...and that I'm  sorry" from Lola before the door closes. His heart doesn't  break, because it's there in his chest beating steady. Working, he thinks. As it should. And his world hasn't  come undone because the floor is there under his feat unmoving; he is still.But Lucas doesn't  feel strong because everything comes crumbling when he thinks,When did Eliott forget how to talk to me?--or--Lucas POV of Season 6 events. Up to a certain point
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 34
Kudos: 229





	Up That Hill We Climb

**Author's Note:**

> You can scream at me in the comments. This isn't a fix it fic or a fic out to demonize anyone. Just my thoughts on a Lucas POV.

**1.Since the beginning:**

"You know her?" 

Eliott shakes his head and whispers back in a tone of voice that Lucas can't quite place. His eyes shift from Daphne's sister to Eliott who still hasn't taken his eyes away from her tense form. 

"Her name is Lola," he says,"she just looked like she needed someone to talk to." When Eliott turns back towards the podium, Lucas searches his profile. 

Eyes trace the curve of his nose down past his lips set in the slightest frown. Lucas' eyes dart past and sees Lola sitting a little ways from her family. His eyes hone in her when she makes a move to stand, to make a speech. 

But he feels heavy. The uncomfortable air gets to him and he realizes that his hair stands on ends as Lola starts to speak and the gasps that travel at light speed through the crowd from her words. 

It's odd how the dam breaks, for everyone around him. He didn't think he'd ever seen Daphne crumble so completely before until this exact moment. And when Lola walks away with out looking back Lucas struck with the thought of how utterly lonely she must have felt. How abandoned, for her to speak so candidly infront of mourners. 

But when Lucas looks at Eliott, he feels a spark of fear lick him and he tries so hard to squash it. Because this wasn't about him. 

But the empathy, that deep connection spelled out on Eliott's face as he watched her walk away cause fear to take root in Lucas' heart. 

And he found he couldn't shake it. 

"Unbelievable," he mutters. 

"What is?" Eliott turns with straight lips but a frown evident in the way his brows scrunched together. Those blue-grey eyes looking at Lucas, waiting for an answer and suddenly Lucas feels like he is treading water. 

He shrugs and looks away. 

"What she said. It was unsettling." Calloused and heartbreaking. "It was hurtful."

But when the unconsidered becomes restless, they stop caring about acting considerate. Lucas wonders how long she's been living with that weight on her chest. 

Feeling unwanted. Toxic, for who, Lucas could guess everyone—including herself. 

When he comes back from his musing, Eliott's staring at him, a look of quiet contemplation, like he really wants to watch what he says and that there jump starts something in Lucas that he couldn't pin down. 

Because they've been at this now, for a year so why does Eliott feel the need to tailor what he says to Lucas, like they weren't familiar with each other. 

"Honestly, Lucas she just lost her mother and clearly we don't know what happened behind the scene so if this is how she's coping—we aren't really in a position to say anything." 

Lucas feels a sense of unease wash over him, reprimanded without the heat but with all the shame. 

"No, you're right." He clears his throat and looks away, feels how Eliott's hand moves to clutch at his hand. Eliott's palms are warm and their hands fit nicely together, snug. Like it was still meant to be. 

Just like that.

**2\. Those little incidents**

There were moments that made Lucas feel like he was losing his mind. His exams loomed over him like a dark cloud, eating his time and driving him mad with anxiety. 

He questions, after long days of studying, if he was looking into things too deeply. If he wasn't looking deep enough. Lucas thinks back to a couple of days ago when he'd decided to wrap up early. To put away the text books, the notes, and simply call it a night. 

He knows it's not so late, that he needed to worry, but when the clock flashed 11:00 and Eliott was still not home, Lucas' mind started to wander. Because he knows it himself that Eliott didn't pull that many hours at the video store, what with uni on his plate still. But he disappeared more often than not and Lucas has been left to wonder what he gets up to. 

He'd tried once or twice. Asking. And always, he was greeted the same answer. 

"Just out with some friends." 

"Working."

"Not much, why whats up?"

Lucas wasn't worried so much as he was curious and perhaps a little hurt. But he smiles and simply shakes his head. 

"No, nothing. Just wondering." 

So when he hears the click of their apartment door. The turning of the lock and quiet shuffling of feet across wooden floors, he doesn't pretend to sleep. Simply lies there, lamp still shining, on his side of the bed. Phone in his lap. He catches Eliott's gaze, the smile on his face makes Lucas feel light and his chest grows tight. 

"I was expecting to see you pouring over books in the living room, so when I didn't I thought you went to bed." 

Eliott says all this as he balances and pulls off his socks, stripping himself of clothing from the day. When he is down to his boxers he jumps into bed atop the covers and Lucas can't help but smile and stifle a laugh as he bounces from the force of it. He looks down at the face that he loves dearly, eyes closed and smile wide. Bare chest glowing in dim lamp light, Eliott looks exhausted but happy. So Lucas can't complain. He reaches out and plays with a strand of the wild chestnut locks, twirling it between his fingers. 

"Are you going to join me?" Eliott mumbles, already half there. 

Lucas hums bends a little and drops a kiss on Eliott's temple.

"I'll sleep in a bit." He pushes his hair back and drops another kiss. 

"I missed you today." He whispers. But Eliott has already fallen asleep. 

What Lucas holds back, what he really wants to ask is, _where have you been?_ Because it feels like he is slipping away. But Lucas doesn't want to sound needy. Like he's trying to monitor Eliott. At what point he wonders, is he trying too hard not to hold onto Eliott with a vice like grip, at what point will this blow up in his face. Because his hold is loose and Eliott is already halfway gone. The thoughts plague him at night and he finds that he spends his hours tracing the outline of Eliott's profile in the dark. 

Lucas finds sleep in the early hours of the morning and by the time he is up, Eliott has already cooked breakfast. Standing in the threshold of the kitchen watching Eliott pick up his mess, Lucas feels he could forget his insecurities for a moment. He thinks of how nice it is to wake up to this every morning.

He doesn't expect things to spiral. But they do. And he has little to no control over it. Because he goes to Daphne's surprise party, Eliott at his side. He mingles like he should, smiles because Daphne is smiling for what felt like the first time in weeks. At some point he loses Eliott. While lost in conversation clinking glasses with his boys and joking around laughing until there are tears in his eyes at whatever odd conversation that caught his attention. When all is said and done he turns and automatically finds Eliott in the crowd. 

Like he instinctively knows where to look, where to find him. His body is slightly hunched while he speaks to someone Lucas can't quite see the face of so he's a little surprised to see Lola standing there staring back at him. 

He greets Eliott with a kiss to the cheek and the answering smile quells the see-saw motions in his stomach. 

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" 

And his mind flashes back to the funeral, where Eliott has only spoken to the girl once and yet he stands here so familiar in her space. Lucas swallows back the jealousy that tries to claw its way out. No he's not stupid enough to think Eliott wants her. Nothing like that. 

But he can't explain away his doubt that there is something. A something that is confirmed with Eliott's quick interception and Lola's momentary pause before affirming what Eliott said. Lucas thinks for a moment, head nodding and eyes flickering between the two of them that they take him for a fool. And perhaps he was. 

The self deprecation stops when Arthur comes waltzing with a promise of a high and the potential to forget whatever just transpired. 

But even with his head in the clouds Lucas can't shake the feeling completely and he knows that his thinking is moving into dangerous territory and he isn't sure who to blame. 

**3\. A Lie is a Lie is a Lie: _Built on What?_**

It was never meant to be this way really. And Lucas feels like there is a steady climb to the inexplicable tension that settles between the both of them. 

"So you lied?" Lucas clenches his fingers against the edge of the table. He doesn't want to sound accusatory. Like he's throwing it back at Eliott when Eliott already looks contrite. But accusatory would entail Lucas not knowing a truth. But he does know it, coming straight from Eliott's mouth to his ears. 

"Just about where I met Lola." Nothing else. 

And Eliott isn't quite wrong. He doesn't lie about where he goes out at night, where he disappears too.He simply doesn't tell. Keeps that part of him under lock and key; hidden for some reason that Lucas can't quite fathom. Sure. He understands that need to have something for himself. Lucas doesn't fault Eliott in the least but he questions why. Why did Eliott feel the need to hide it instead of simply telling him and then going about his way?

Lucas wonders what image he has projected in this year-long relationship. Because Eliott treats it like Lucas was one step away from forcing him to end all interactions that weren't between him and Eliott. As if Lucas thought Eliott was so fragile. And Lucas understands that fear. How it took root and where it came from. 

"I don't understand why you felt the need to _lie_ to me about this. All of it. Like you're leading a secret life that you don't want me to be a part of." 

"Lucas, it isn't that. It's just…" Lucas watches for the signs. The agitation that builds in Eliott. The way his shoulders hunch and his chin tucks for a brief moment before he stretches. Moves his head back and rolls his eyes to the ceiling. Those hands of his doing a numbing on his neck as he rubs the skin raw and bares down with a heavy weight. 

"This is my thing. Away from uni, away from a relationship. Away from everything that everyone here," he points at the ground between then, "has built up about me. I'm not Eli—it's my safe space. Just mine." 

The way he speaks, his voice desperate to get Lucas to understand that he wasn't trying to keep Lucas out so much as try to keep something for himself tugs at Lucas' heart. 

So Lucas is the first to break as he sighs and looks to the side. Let's the hurt he feels ebb away, to the background where he could forget it when he was ready. 

"Okay, fine. It's yours." Keep it, he wants to say. Take it and hide and close those doors. He doesn't ask for it because Lucas can give this, he can give it because having Eliott is more important than knowing that little secret. Lucas can't imagine not having Eliott. Not having all those little things his boyfriend has done for him since they've been together and he wills himself to not look into the window of Eliott's secret life. Especially if its for the sake of Eliott's own security. 

"I won't ask. But no more lies…just, Eliott, just talk to me." 

The beaming smile that Eliott throws at him sends his world tilting off kilter. He is unsure how to straighten it so he keeps it that way if only to serve as a reminder of who put him there. 

"Yes, Lucas. Of course baby." 

Eliott moves quickly, standing in front of him in three quick strides, large palms cupping his cheeks and lips chasing his, with a happiness that Lucas feels is the slightest bit tainted. 

Because a lie is a lie. And he isn't so strong as to fight off the doubt. But he tries to filter that voice that calls out in the back of his mind. 

The voice and thoughts that plague him and sours his mood. Because it starts with the one. Doesn't it? A lie is a lie. 

Right?

But Lucas wants to trust when Eliott says 'of course baby' and lays love on his lips, eager to put this past them. And he would like to as well. To move forward and not get stuck. To trust and be trusted and not feel bogged down with an anger. But a lie is a lie. And it's built on what? Lucas doesn't quite think it's built on words because Eliott doesn't quite keep his. 

Because they don't really talk. He finds out Lola spends time at the video store sometimes. And Eliott keeps her company, giving guidance. 

Like a friend. And not for the first time does he feel upset that his attention is divided and he can't be with Eliott aside from the nights curled up in his arms or the occasional mornings when he takes the mug of coffee held out for him and dots Eliott's face with kisses before he says 'see you later' as he rushes out for class and a study session. At some point he thought this distance was a momentary falter. 

He thinks perhaps it's just a smaller part of a bigger problem. 

There are moments that he is thankful for Lola being there with Eliott. And there are moments when he feels panicked because he doesn't know why Eliott is so hyper-fixated on Daphne's younger sister. 

It scares him that Eliott sees himself in Lola because that leaves so many unknowns,yes, but what _is_ known is that thing's wouldn't stay stable for long. 

A lie is a lie. Eliott told one in front of her. Has already spelled out that untrust in front of prying eyes. It wouldn't matter now how he follows up because everything Eliott tells Lola now will carry that weight of uncertainty. That spiral he feared, would hit and Lucas wouldn't be able to stop it. Because Lola is a factor he has no say in. 

Eliott has made sure of that. 

"So, what— this is a fucking hotel now?" Lucas knows he might be unreasonable in hindsight. 

But that uncomfortable weight that settles atop his chest, bears down on his lungs and makes it so difficult to breathe, when he sees the prone body sleeping in his bed, it shakes him to the core. 

She looked like a mess and Eliott didn't look the least bit apologetic for springing this on him. His heart pounds and his hearing fades in and out in the morning light.

He thinks maybe the sun is too bright in the kitchen. If he could only turn it off for a moment as he stares at the love of his life who begs him to understand and accept without giving him time to adjust. Without giving him some guidance as to _why_ he should jump in blindly. 

Again. 

"It's not a hotel, Lucas. She needed a place to stay!"

"And you couldn't have warned me?" 

"No, I can't warn you for something unexpected. I didn't plan this and it was late last night."

"You don't have a cellphone?" 

No calls. No warnings. No words and talking. Just expectations of Lucas' blind acceptance. And maybe he did feel awful for what she experienced and what she went through. Maybe yes, he would've wanted Eliott to put Lola in their bed if he had a moment to just think. If he had a moment of control, something he was rapidly losing—among other things, he comes to see, as Eliott raises his voice. 

He would have countered, told Eliott that of course he wasn't judging her for her problems, that he would have wanted someone to treat Eliott with the same kindness he has giving Lola. But he doesn't get that chance. He doesn't get that chance to have Eliott really see his side. 

To maybe show some understanding _for_ him and not just expect it _from_ him. Since when has Lucas been able to compete with tunnel vision? He thought, since they met. He might be wrong. 

He would have countered, yes, but he's interrupted when he sees Lola standing there. A knowing look on her face. And maybe there is a 'sorry' somewhere dancing on the tip of her tongue. A rhythm only that word could produce. A rhythm that travels and oscillates and settles in the way she stands. 

Lucas doesn't quite accept it because he's living in the what if's, the unpredictable, and the now. Because with a call Eliott ran straight towards trouble and brought it home and Lucas is at a loss of what to say. Because somewhere between the funeral and Eliott lying, Eliott has forgotten what it means to talk and all they do is argue and apologize and argue and that is their communication now. A lie is a lie but built on what Lucas wonders. Was it trust? Trust that Lucas would understand and never walk away. 

Eliott wouldn't be wrong. And he finds that realization a little sad. Pathetic even. 

"I'm going to go take a shower." 

He brushes past her and Eliott doesn't try to stop him. It is all he can do not to break when he hears the kindness in Eliott's voice directed at Lola. 

He sounds like a stranger. Lucas sits on the toilet listening to the muffled conversation until he hears the shuffle of two pairs of feet and the slamming of the front door. 

In the quiet of the apartment, Lucas let's out a shuddering breath that only he hears and runs himself a bath. Watches as the water fills and he divests his clothing and lowers himself in the steaming water without giving himself time to adjust. 

He feels it prickle at his skin but Lucas is lost in his thoughts as he replays the last couple of weeks. Nothing feels right, accept when it's just him and Eliott and those moments have been few and far between right now. 

He can't make sense of what he's feeling and the words that have been said and the frustration builds and Lucas swallows his breath, holding it, as he dunks himself completely under. Where the water distorts the sounds all around him and he finds himself closer to his heartbeat. 

Down there, underneath the surface, the warbled sounds, voices, and thoughts make a little more sense. Because there is a reason for it all. 

When he resurfaces, Lucas leaves it behind—hands running down his face and brushes back his hair, the quiet _drip, drip_ of water hitting water centers him. He sits there in the silence of the bathroom, trying to find strength.

He thinks maybe he’s acting selfish. Maybe stress has built up too high and he lets it get to him. Maybe jealousy has reared its head and made him unreasonable. Because Eliott is still here and he still loves Lucas. Still showers him with kisses, comes clean when he knows he is wrong. Supports him when it matters and supports him when it doesn’t. Eliott with his infinite love and bright, bright smile has found something for himself and latched on. 

And Lucas wants to support him. He does. And he will, always will. But he needs to straighten himself out first. He needs to figure out how. 

He finds it hard to stop the tears. Because a lie is a lie, and Lucas isn't sure where it starts and where it stops. But maybe he is going crazy. Or maybe he is simply human. 

He can’t focus. Lucas sits with his legs drawn up, chin resting in the palm of one hand as he eyes the motions of his fingers skimming the surface of the water. Disrupting it by cutting through. 

He waits for Eliott to come home. 

**3\. Her Lines, His Lines, Mine:**

Eliott is late in coming back and Lucas hears the hesitancy in his step as he closes the door, enters the living room. Lucas knows he looks like shit. Feels like it too, having spent hours pouring over his notes and wading through his thoughts. 

"Hey." He says, and his voice cracks from lack of use. 

"Hey, studying?" 

Lucas looks at the screen of his phone and sees that it's 11:30 and he's been at it for too long. 

"Just about wrapping up." 

Eliott holds up a brown bag and an unsure smile liess placating on his face. 

"Up for some dinner?" 

Lucas purses his lips, nods and closes his notes. He clears away the coffee table in a steady rhythm with unsteady hands that ache to move and run through Eliott's hair, to clutch at his shirt—burns to weave his trembling fingers with Eliott's. When he takes the first bite of food, he realizes he hasn't eaten all day and he is very hungry, stomach cramping up. Eliott sits next to him, close with their thighs touching and shoulders brushing with the slightest movement, his own plate in front of him chewing away thoughtfully.

Lucas clears his throat and breaks through that awkward air. 

"Did she get home alright?" 

He doesn't know where they were or what they've been up to but he knows that she's Eliott's friend and she's been through a lot in the past couple of weeks. He knows what compassion is and, he thinks, on rare occasions he is capable no of showing it too. The look that Eliott throws his way speaks of a fondness that Lucas felt was lost on him. It's been a while since he's been acquainted with that shine. 

Eliott nods. "Mm. She did. She's not doing so well. Why? Were you worried?" 

Lucas shoves lightly at Eliott's shoulders, looking away from him. Because of course he was worried. He might have been angry, still is, but not being worried was never part of the equation. No matter how he had presented it. 

"Lucas…" 

He looks back at Eliott mouth half open, expectant. Tries to say something but doesn't 

"She's a friend. She's going to be around." And by the sound of his voice, he'd really love for Lucas to be on board with this idea. 

To accept it for what it was. He finds it hard to voice an objection, because really he doesn't want to deny Eliott a choice that was his—not Lucas' but he doesn't have it in him to think anything positive could come from this. 

Not yet at least. 

"What is it? What are you thinking?" 

"I-I'm...I'm not sure what to think, Eliott. But this is your choice, not mine." 

He licks the sticky residue off the tips of his fingers, eyes glued to the table top. He feels everything from the day try to push itself to the surface and really he just wanted to eat. 

Just wants to sit and cuddle and hold and be held. He hates this. He hates that Eliott is looking towards him to understand and it's the last thing he is capable of. Because Lola hasn't exactly shown him that he should just accept this blindly but maybe—maybe he hasn't given her a chance to. 

"Lucas baby, just tell me what you're thinking?" 

And Lucas is brought back to a couple of days ago when he asked Eliott to be open with him. To use words. 

To communicate. 

To not hide. 

He looks back at Eliott and realizes maybe he should take his own advice. Maybe he should fight against the way his throat closes on him. Fight against the bile that threatens to come up at the thought that something could happen to Eliott if he continues to be friends with Lola. 

He sees Eliott's worry. Sees the slight frown on Eliott's face and realizes he should stop living in the hypothetical and stop thinking of the worst case scenario. 

"I'm scared." His words are punctuated with tears that he wasn't aware had already built up to the point of overspilling.

"I'm scared she's going to bring you down. I'm nervous." Nervous that he won't be able to stop it. Nervous for Eliott, for himself—for them. 

When Eliott reaches for him Lucas falls willingly like every time before this. He's struck by the thought that nothing feels better and more reassuring than to be enveloped in Eliott's arms. 

His body shudders at the contact and his breathing stutters as he attempts to stem the flow of tears. Like a mess, his mouth opens so he can breathe and his teeth catches on the fabric of Eliott's shirt but Eliott doesn't pull away. 

If anything he pulls him closer.

"She's a good person, baby. She needs to know people care for her, things will,—" he whispers and drops kisses into Lucas' hair. "Things will get better. She won't bring me down. She won't." 

Maybe it is how adamant Eliott sounds, how sure he is, that Lucas nods his head. 

He believes him because Eliott executes his lines perfectly and calms Lucas' racing heart and when all is said and down Eliott carries him to bed. Tucks him and goes to clean the mess in the living room. When he is done he lies down next to Lucas and they fall asleep staring at each other; Lucas, to the feel of Eliott's fingers carding through his hair and the gentle touch—like a whispered breath—over the lines of his face. 

He feels a lighter than he has the next morning. Spends a bit longer enjoying breakfast sitting in Eliott's lap.

Perhaps it's the air of reassurance that has him agreeing when Eliott tells him about the film and perhaps having Lola play the part that was meant to be Lucas'. 

He freezes at the the thought at first. He is brought back to that first night, in that tunnel and he feels the rain drops on his skin, drenching his clothing and weighing him and all he cares about is Eliott. 

He's brought back to the way their hands slot together and can't imagine someone else making it so perfect as he had with Eliott. 

"What if I said no?" He asks. Eliott shrugs. 

"I would want to know why?" Eliott plops another grape into Lucas' mouth and he is left to contemplate and answer that sounds superficial. 

Yes, that moment was important for him, and he knows Eliott cares as well. But here is Eliott, in front of him. In the flesh. More real than a film and scene acted out. He already has Eliott and giving away the scene doesn't quite mean giving away that moment. 

Because no matter how many times Eliott was to act out that scene, how many times he said his lines and filmed it— it would never take away their reality. 

"Isn't it my part?" Eliott taps his nose. 

"Of course that part is yours. And I still want to film it with you. But with the bac and everything, you're so busy. You know how important this film is for me. I've been working on it for so long now." 

Lucas does know this. Way before they became a couple, this is a project Eliott holds dear to him. Again Lucas wants to curse his studies from keeping him away from this.

"And if I think you guys are getting close a-and…" _Scared that I'll be left behind._

Again. 

The gentle grip on his chin that forces him to look up steadies him. 

"Never, Lucas. She is just a friend and you. You are my world." 

And Lola has her sights on her own Lucas, there was nothing between them that should cause concern. 

And maybe Lucas disagrees

But he nods regardless. And the quiet whisper of okay only barely hides the sound of his heart cracking. 

He would have loved to do this with Eliott but he knows when to respectfully bow out. 

So when he sees Lola again, at the video store, his mouth grows dry but he tells her sorry. For his behaviour. He starts to tell her that maybe there was a small part of him that was scared that he might lose Eliott. That there was a bigger part of him that is scared that there's a day that will come where they will bring each other down. And Lola plays her part well and Lucas finds that sense of comfort again. 

"I don't intend to." 

He smiles and nods his head to tell her he accepts and she should take the part in Eliott's script. He hands it over and hopes she understands the amount of trust he is placing in her. That she can see that he would let just anyone kiss Eliott, film be damned. 

Because this was a start. And the way Eliott smiles winningly and the small lift of Lola's lips tells him maybe _he_ finally said the right thing. 

Maybe there would be no regrets.

**4\. They picked and picked until it bled.**

Lucas isn't sure when he crashes. But he remains in his high for a long time following the call to come pick up Eliott. 

There is a rhythmic _thud, thud_ that narrates Lucas completely shattering. It is a calm panic that settles in him as he moves on autopilot. Pulling on a jacket and heading out at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday. 

Not knowing what he will find. What he will come face to face with. And he's not sure he's really ready but Eliott needs him. So he could push his own fears to the side for the time being. But he isn't prepared to see Eliott like a shell, wasted still, eyes glossy and barely registering Lucas when he approaches. He sees Lola sitting there, with Thierry face red and blotched, and looking like a hair-width away from crying. 

But he has no words. 

_"I don't intend to."_

Because a lie is a lie, built on what?

He ignores her outreached hand and supports Eliott, tries his best to steady his stumbling. 

He's not ready to talk to her. Not ready to say it's okay or everything will be alright, because right now he feels like she took his fears and threw it back at him for no reason other than to justify her own lows.

_"She won't bring me down."_

He helps Eliott shower, changes his clothing and tucks him in. Eliott does everything without so much as putting up a fight. Doesn't bother to shake Lucas off and his eyes remain distant and it hurts Lucas to see him like this.

He leaves Eliott to rest and doesn't bother trying to get him to talk because now wasn't the time. 

Lucas leans against the kitchen counter. Head bowed and breathing ragged. With his pulse jumping Lucas feels the weight of stress accumulates and there is a sharp pain in his chest every time he breathes. He wants it to stop. All of it. He wants the thoughts to go away, the images of glossy eyes and regret cut into the lines of drugged out face. 

He doesn't want to see it. Lucas doesn't hold back as he swipes his arm out until the glasses sitting innocently on the counter soar then shatter on the kitchen floor. Immediately he hates that he's done it, that his body becomes an extension of his anger. His hands fly up, fingers clutch at his hair _pulling_ and he welcomes the distractions. Turns in place and sinks to the floor as his body shudders and he breaks from his high, drops from the adrenaline rush. The cabinets, his only support.

He feels staggered and weak as his forehead rests against his knees and he scratches at his feet trying to find purchase so things could appear stable. 

He thinks of the glass he needs to clean up. 

Thinks of his exams and the notes that lie open on the table. 

Thinks of Eliott tucked in bed, silent on the walk home. Silent as he was cleaned up. Lucas wonders, how does he fix everything when he doesn't have the answer to anything. Lucas is angry. Angry at Eliott. Angry at Lola. Angry at himself because he could be more understanding. He could be more firm. He doesn't know how long he sits there hunched in on himself, but the hours pass and he grows cold from lack of movement. When he moves his limbs are stiff and there is a deep bone ache that he wishes would just go away. 

By the time he gets up to clean his mess to cook a late lunch, wrapping a plate for Eliott and leaving it in the fridge in case he becomes hungry, Lucas is ready to curl up and fall asleep, despite it still being light out. 

He takes a couple bites of his pasta and puts his portion away, because it tastes bland; wrapped nicely and placed next to Eliott's. He hugs a pillow to his chest and drifts off, his notes still spread out in front of him, taunting. His sleep is restless and plagued with distorted voices calling out, a distinctive lack of Eliott and an apologetic Lola. He startles awake to a quiet and dark apartment, a fleece blanket that wasn't there when he first laid down, and a bad taste in his mouth. 

The events of the morning crash into him all at once and he feels weary. Lucas kind of wonders when he'll find a steady rhythm again. He questions if that's what he really wants in the end. 

He checks the fridge and finds that Eliott hasn't eaten, moves to grab a cup of water and brings it to their bedside. Eliott remains under the blanket unmoving. Lucas wants badly to pull them down just to catch a glimpse of his face. Pepper kisses on his face and tell them they'll make it through this one too. 

It's not okay that he fucked up. But it will be. 

Sunday passes much the same. The apartment air is stifling. Everything quiet with only the sounds of his pencil scratching away at notes when he hears a knock at the door. 

He isn't ashamed to say he willingly moved to slam the door on Lola when he saw her face. He kept calm at first. Tried hard to simply walk away but his blood boils and he has not had an outlet since the events of yesterday morning. Her words pick and pick at him until he snaps. Because he was tired of it being about her while his boyfriend laid immobile in bed. He wanted her to leave him to handle their fuck up in peace and he wasn't granted that. 

"And can't you understand that _I_ need to see him, Lucas." 

Yes and no. Yes he understands. No he refused to simply take this. Lucas spits words that sound harsh even to his own ears and her heart broken face haunts him. 

Yet he can't find it in him to back down when he hears Eliott call out. His voice ringing loud for the first time since the whole debacle. 

"It's nobody." 

The door creaks with regret as he closes it on her. And it's all he can do not to open it back up and just give in.

But she's fucked up too. And a fuck up isn't always so easily forgiven and forgotten. Lucas wants to protect his world. He doesn't mean to hurt her in the process. 

He wants to protect himself. He doesn't mean to hurt her in the process. When Lucas turns he sees Eliott in the doorway looking more than exhausted. Bags under his eyes and lips thin, skin pale. He's looking at Lucas like Lucas was the problem. Like he's done something unforgivable. 

"Was that Lola?" Lucas looks away. Eliott knows the answer already. 

Lucas clears his throat and moves towards the kitchen. 

"Go back to bed Eliott, you need the rest. Do you want me to bring you some food?" 

"Fuck, Lucas was that Lola?" Lucas ignores the way Eliott's voice raises just the slightest, throwing his frustration at Lucas. 

"Yes, it was. What of it?" He pulls out material to put together a sandwich, back turned because he doesn't think he could keep it together if he was looking at those accusing eyes. 

"What did she want?" Eliott asks. 

"To talk, I sent her away." He mumbles, knowing it was the wrong thing to say, but he has nothing to hide at this point. All their picking has left him open and raw. He wants Eliott to see. Eliott scoffs and Lucas pauses for a split second before he continues his mission to make food for the both of them. It becomes a burning need, a sole focus that creeps up inside him and his movements grow sloppy. 

"That wasn't your decision to make."

He takes pause and looks into the sink where a couple of dishes lay dirty and unwashed. Looks back at the sandwich and fights the urge to toss everything. 

He has an itch to escalate and he fights it.Lucas clenches his teeth because that heat is back tenfold and he needs Eliott to understand he is trying to protect his world but he doesn't think he will. 

"I'm allowed to let anyone in and keep anyone out. This is my apartment as well." 

"Of fucking course you would try to control this. I should have known somethi—"

But Lucas has no control and he feels everything boil over when he hears Eliott telling him he was being controlling. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind a voice whispers that Eliott is unwell. That he doesn't mean what he says but another part of him says, Lucas is still allowed to be hurt by this and he doesn't need to justify Eliott's harsh words. To reduce it to, _he's not well_. He turns and looks at Eliott incredulously, like he is surprised at those words falling from his lips. 

"And what Eliott, what happens when I let her in? You guys talk and you tell her everything is okay, that it wasn't her fault?" 

His arms sweep wide at nothing and everything that sits between then. 

"So you talk and tell her that mistakes were made but you forgive her anyways. Right?" 

"That would be my choice to forgive her. Not yours." 

"No you're right. It isn't my choice. If it were maybe you'd see that you haven't gotten out of bed for two days." He shouts, head ringing with the sound of his own voice. 

"Maybe you'd acknowledge that you both fucked up and that this affected more than just the two of you." And forgiveness doesn't happen overnight. And when it does, perhaps its premature. 

He takes a step towards Eliott, realizing that he started and he can't stop. 

"If it were my choice, you would put yourself first and not try so damn hard to fix this girl and her addiction and forget there are people around you that fucking care!" 

And maybe he was selfish. He needs Eliott to see him more than this raw wound that he has become. Maybe Lucas was so tired of seeing Eliott rip himself apart and forgive these transgressions; making excuses for others. Making excuses for himself. 

He heaves a breath and runs a hand down his face, palms coming away wet. He looks away. 

"...fuck." 

He shudders and his eyes move to glare at the ceiling as he tries hard to close himself up. 

"..Luca—"

"Do you know how scared I was? When I got that call?" He looks at Eliott expectantly. 

The other remains quiet, speckled eyes tracking Lucas as he starts to pace like a caged lion. 

"I was _so scared_ , I had no _fucking_ clue what happened Eliott? I just knew I had to go pick you up at a fucking station." 

He draws in a breath. "Did you think of that?" Probably. But Lucas is tired of having to guess what Eliott thinks. He needs to hear it. 

At least this time.

"Of course I have." 

"Right. But the first thing you tell me in two day, is that I'm trying to control you." 

He hates the way Eliott looks down at the floor. Hates it because he doesn't like how he's talking to Eliott right at this moment, when he knows Eliott isn't acting in the best state of mind. And maybe this is where Lucas finds himself fucking up and unable to swallow back his words. 

Turning his back because he doesn't want to add to that heartbroken visage. Lucas goes back to making their sandwiches and when he is finished—all through the sniffling and harsh wiping at tears— he side steps Eliott who hasn't moved yet and sets both plates down on the coffee table. 

He doesn't give more of an invitation but hopes that Eliott will take him up on it. He doesn't comment when Eliott sits down next to him looking more or less broken. 

Doesn't have it in him to wipe at his face as he eats and his nose drips. 

They don't say sorry and they don't forgive. Eliott doesn't really eat and Lucas throws his soggy leftovers in the trash. 

Eliottt sleeps and Lucas stays up looking at his notes but seeing nothing in front of him. 

He'll apologize when he's clear headed. When he is really sorry and not a moment earlier and not a moment later. 

**5\. Reaching for that middle ground**

It's a day later that he searches her out. He meets her away from the apartment and lets her talk. 

Lucas might be doing this for Eliott because he feels like he's losing a part of him. The longer this drags out. 

Mostly, he's doing this for himself. A small part of him does this for Lola.

"This...this was never about you o-or—what you and Eliott have." She said. 

When Lucas looked closely he saw the tremors in her hands, slight movements that spoke of a level of distress. 

Is he making it complicated? Lucas doesn't think so. It really was just a matter of he had him and now he doesn't. Uncomplicated really. But Lola doesn't understand that because if she could sit there so casually and tell him it wasn't _about_ him then she would never truly understand how much it _affects_ him. 

Perhaps it was her turn to play the role of inconsiderate. To dish it out to whoever crossed her path. And she just so happened to choose Eliott. 

Eliott who was Lucas' other half. Eliott with that big, big heart. Who wants to live and love and care for all those around. Who gets so lost in his mission of making _Lola_ feel wanted, and loved, and okay with herself—to play that role of finally saving someone instead of it being the other way around, that he has utterly forgotten that Lucas was human too. 

That Lucas needs Eliott just as much as Eliott needed him. That this whole time, through the anger, the tears, the yelling and apologizing—Lucas was allowed to break and feel abandoned. 

Because wasn't it just that this entire time? Lucas being there and being supportive, turning a blind eye so that he wasn't smothering Eliott. 

Treading water. At this rate he is drowning. 

Lucas doesn't need Lola to tell him it wasn't about him. He saw that clear as day. 

"And? Who is this about then?" Because she could show up to their apartment and demand that he understand that _she_ needs to see Eliott. With her own eyes, make sure he understands that _she's_ sorry. That she knows what it means to regret. 

But she can't accept that _Lucas_ wasn't ready. Not ready to hand Eliott over again for her to make it evident that Eliott would either soar high in her presence or crash low. For whatever reason because Lucas has still yet to see what Eliott sees in this girl. And Eliott finding that happy medium might mean more trial and error and that is what scares Lucas so much.

And maybe it's because he doesn't connect on their level. And he hates that he feels this level of disconnect. 

But this wasn't _about him._

"I-I just," She visibly clenches her teeth and closes her eyes against the onslaught of her thoughts. "I just want to make sure he is okay, Lucas. I never meant for things to get so bad that night." She shakes her head again, eyes glossy and for a second Lucas feels this might be where they share something in common. 

Because Eliott evokes that same feeling in him. For one reason or another. 

He clears his throat and looks away, because he doesn't want to do this but so far Lucas has given and given and he won't quite stop now. 

"We should head over to the apartment. I'm sure he'd like to see you, clear up some things." 

Maybe clear up everything for Lucas. 

Because he still has no idea what exactly happened that night; what was said.

"Really?" 

He nods. "Yeah. He's been unwell. I think this will do him some good." Lucas slaps his thighs, looks down so he doesn't have to look at her and acknowledge the hopeful tone, because he knows if he wasn't drowning before, he'd be drowning soon. 

He doesn't want to think he has too big of a heart, that he was being caring—because this was more for him than it was for Lola or Eliott. 

Maybe Lucas needs to finally accept some things and he wouldn't be able to until he sees the end of this horrible situation. To finally be able to put this past him. 

"Lucas, I—thank you." He nods once and gets up and she follows. It's not a long walk over to the apartment. Lucas finds himself walking in front of Lola, cheeks puffing every so often to push back the burning in his eyes.

He hates how his steps falter and matches the missed beats of his heart. He is sure she notices but says nothing and he can be thankful for small blessings. 

Once they arrive he is surprised to see Eliott passing by, hair frayed and in disarray. Unkempt for the past two day. 

He stands frozen, as if caught doing something he wasn't supposed to. And Lucas just stares for a moment, back at him, unsure of what to say. Because Eliott hadn't truly gotten out of bed for the past three days. And only the once when they argued. 

Lola shuffles behind him, making her presences known and it's all Lucas could do but look away and clear his throat. 

"I, uh, I met with Lola earlier and thought you guys should talk." Lucas rubs at his neck, a feeling of anxiousness washing over him at the silence that sits between them. 

Because yes they argued, and maybe 'I'm sorry's' were spoken. But Lucas doesn't quite feel like their puzzle pieces were quite realigned.

Not yet. 

"Only if you're up for it, though. She can always co—" 

"We can talk." Eliott interrupts. 

Not yet. 

"Right. I'm just going to go, leave you guys to it." And when he moves, walks past Eliott he doesn't slow down in hopes that Eliott would stop him, reach out with his arm and give a reassuring squeeze. He doesn't hope for it. But his heart might clench a little, that it doesn't happen. 

Lucas moves into the hall and leans himself against the wall out of sight. His heart beats irregularly in his chest and his breathing feels short as he tries his best to keep quiet. 

The thought flickers in and out that maybe he shouldn't be listening in on their conversation. That maybe he should honor their privacy but he maintains this was his apartment. And they never asked him if he was okay with this. 

So he was going to listen and maybe finally get some answers. 

"Eliott, I—how are you?" 

"Not so good. And you?" There is an honesty and a softness that has become unfamiliar to Lucas when he hears Eliott speak. So much that his breathing catches and his head leans back so he may catch more of it. 

"I didn't...I didn't mean for any of that to happen. And I said such stupid fucking things to you Eliott." 

"I made a choice to, Lola. You can't just blame yourself for that night." 

Lucas thinks it's sweet, how Eliott tries to reassure her. 

He thinks it's heartbreaking, that Eliott happens to do so with someone he's known for only a couple weeks. 

"But it wouldn't have, you know." Her breathing fills the air and Lucas thinks he might be suffocating. His cheeks wet from the rain that seemingly pours down from the ceiling and floods their home. 

"I never should have made you doubt Lucas."

He is tired of treading. And those words bring the water completely over his head. Because knowing Eliott doubted Lucas was a low blow. 

"I shouldn't have brought up the barge, laugh like I, li—like it was funny."

"Lola, we all have our moments of weakness." 

And never before has Lucas wanted to scream so loudly for Eliott to stop defending her and open his eyes to the weakness that Lucas faces. 

He is struck with the thought that perhaps Eliott knows _he_ was Lucas' weakness. 

"Right," she says. "I just so happened to use yours against you because I was feeling bad about myself."

"Lola." 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I hurt Lucas when I told him I wouldn't." 

Eliott lets out a chuckle that strums a cord of dissonance in Lucas' heart when he hears it. 

"Lucas...Lucas was angry because he cares. He loves me Lola, and he was angry but with time I know all will be forgiven he, —he just needs some time." 

Eliott pauses for a moment and Lucas practically see as he rubs his own neck in that fashion that was pure Eliott.

"Listen, Lola." Eliott sighs. "We both fucked up. Badly. And it's not okay. But it will be. We just need to keep working on ourselves." 

Lucas feels slight relief hearing this. Thinks maybe Eliott will focus on himself a little more moving forward. 

But things still aren't okay. 

He hears the shuffling of feet and a teary goodbye, a quiet whispered _"tell Lucas thank you...and that I'm sorry"_ from Lola before the door closes. His heart doesn't break, because it's there in his chest beating steady. Working, he thinks. As it should. And his world hasn't come undone because the floor is there under his feat unmoving; he is still. But Lucas doesn't feel strong because everything comes crumbling when he thinks,

_Has Eliott forgotten how to talk to me?_

And maybe he's going crazy, or maybe he's human. 

Because even through all this, he can't help but wonder when was the last time he'd spoken to him with such a welcoming tone? When did he last sound remotely understanding of Lucas' feelings.He knows Eliott does. Knows Eliott has and will in their future, but Lucas finds he also needs it now. Needs it soon. 

He hears the steps stop next to him. Can see as Eliott moves to sit across from him in the hall. His legs bent and long arms wrapped around, fingers curling around his own ankle. Lucas can practically feel his speckled eyes looking over him, trying to read his face, his half lidded gaze and straight lips. He breaks the silence and breaks the gaze. 

"I hope she gets help." He wants Eliott to take the olive branch for what it is. 

He gets a nod and a small smile. Still laced with uncertainty. Still unsure. Because the last time the two of them spoke was a one sided yelling match with Lucas sprouting some not so pleasant things. And Lucas isn't quite ready to let it go. Though he knows he will. But there is still an amount of insecurity that Eliott has done nothing to squash.

"I think...she is working on it. And I think I'll take a step back. Be there for her when she truly needs it, be there to talk to her but know when to put myself first. Because—" When Eliott pauses, looks away from Lucas like he 

"I need to think of me and I need to think of you, too. "

"Eliott, I-I..."

"No, Lucas. Thinking of you doesn't mean making things about you. But you're important to me and thinking of you helps center me." 

Eliott breathes out slowly and he bites at his lower lips and Lucas feels an overwhelming amount of sadness fill him at the sight. 

"I'm sorry. I am. And I know I fucked up and it's not okay right now, but I...I don't need it to be." Eliott moves slow, like he's waiting for Lucas to tell him to get away. To not touch him. He kneels in front of Lucas and loosely wraps his long arms around him before pulling him to his chest in a crushing hug

"But I need to know it's going to be." 

Lucas simply nods and falls limply in Eliott's hold, cherishing the weight of his arms and the warmth of chest. Lucas is sorry too, but he holds onto his apology. He gives this time and focus to Eliott, knowing Eliott will be ready to listen to him soon. 

"It will always be okay between us, Eliott. Never doubt that." He whispers loud enough for Eliott to hear. He feels exhaustion hit him full force and practically begs and Eliott willingly carries him to bed. “Maybe not right away but we’ll get there.”

Things weren't perfect and it wasn't going to be. Lucas understands that. But they're working on it. That's all he wants.

**Author's Note:**

> Really the first thing I felt like writing in a very long time. Sorry if this is not what you were looking for. Lo Siento. Scream at me in the comments or on Tumblr. Also, if you wanna leave hate, please cite which parts of the work you disliked and provide full analysis. I would very much appreciate. 
> 
> I take liberties and change quite a few things despite this being canon compliant! 
> 
> This works for showing love too. ❤
> 
> @bluronyourradar


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